Race 1 - Day 29
Skipper Report
18 September

Andy Burns
Andy Burns
Team GREAT Britain
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The weather is changeable as we head towards a low pressure system giving us variable winds in both direction and speed. The crew are working their socks off to get to Punta del Este and I am for fitting sleeping in my bunk for napping on deck.

Here is your second simulation in the series.

Cooking

You will need:

  • Your own kitchen
  • A bag of ingredients
  • An afternoon off
  • A petulant child
  • Two or three tin openers
  • Dog bowls (to serve)

Much like the popular television programme, 'Ready Steady Cook', start by turning out your bag of ingredients. You'll notice the emphasis on tinned and dried goods – don't believe the hype about fresh being better.

There's no need to start cooking yet, so have a think about what the least offensive meal you could make might be and stow the ingredients in your cupboards. Take the afternoon off – you deserve it. Maybe a spa session? Whilst you're away, have a neighbour come round and completely rearrange your kitchen; it is important that they leave nothing in the place you expect it to be. When you return, cordon off 90% of your kitchen; one square metre of work surface is more than adequate to run a small catering kitchen and bakery.

Now take time to break each of your tin openers. Try to break each one in a subtlety different way but maintain a ratio of 99% despair, 1% hope in the finished article. Now your culinary genius can come to the fore! Lay out your ingredients on your worktop and begin to nibble at the tins with your broken openers. Aim to try each opener at least three times per tin; the salt of your tears will only add flavour to the finished dish. Have your petulant child swipe randomly and ferociously across the surface as you work; if everything hasn't been on the floor at least once they're not doing it right.

Once your masterpiece is ready to cook, place it over a small candle. You should aim to massively underestimate the time required to cook using this method; dinner that isn't served late is probably not worth eating at all. Once lukewarm, slop out into dog bowls, garnish with parsley and serve with a forced smile.

Wish us luck.

Andy and the GREAT Britain Team