Race 12 - Day 10
Crew Diary - Return to the clinic: The world’s most expensive weight loss program, Part 2
08 June
Long-term readers may recall that back in 2019 I enrolled in, and successfully completed, Leg 1 of the world’s most expensive weight loss program (see blog Race 2, Day 10).
A service offered by the Clipper Round the World Yacht Race is a fast and usually effective (more on that later!) way to return those of us with a ‘dad body’ to a shadow of our former selves.
While the program is ‘live in’ and not for the faint-hearted, several years and much beer and pizza, later I was in need of the Clipper Race’s weight loss service again!
As a reminder, ‘The Program’ combines exercise, sweat and diet, to melt away those unwanted kilos.
There are of course multiple exercise machines available for use on our floating gym. Winches to grind, ropes to pull, sails to lift, bilges to pump and garbage to tote. But as there is nowhere comfortable to sit, and life is often at an angle, the Clipper Race experience provides a constant core workout.
As a bonus for Leg 1, the Clipper Race threw in the ‘TPWLW’ or Tropical Power Week of Weight Loss. Our host thoughtfully arranged for Hurricane Lorenzo to further shake up our accommodation and require us to wear special plastic suits on deck. These sweat suits are known as foulies. Some may say they are named for the weather conditions in which you wear them, but Clipper Race graduates know it's due to the amount of sweat and smell they generate in tropical conditions. Truly foul!
As a previous graduate I was offered the more ‘sedate’ program known as Leg 7. While foulies were only required (so far) in the cooler climes off Seattle, the rest of the program is similar and, for me, equally effective.
Still included are the two bonus Belly Fat Busting Boxes, also known as the heads. These ‘special’ cubicles combine most of the program’s elements in a powerful 5 to 30 minute session. Shake around in the hot box as you remove your foulies, hang on, pump the head and redress. Appropriate exercise footwear is recommended to avoid what’s sloping around the bilge.
I mentioned sweat as Step Two of the program. The bunks provided are particularly effective at generating this, but a day as a “Mother” spent below decks, next to the oven with a constant cycle of dishes to wash, is a sure way to drop a few kilos.
The third element is diet. The Program provides three meals a day of limited and generally less appealing selections. Portion sizes are also generally of modest dimensions, particularly as The Program nears its end and provisions become scarce. As a result, calorie intake is (usually) much less than the burn.
Unlike many gyms, there are no mirrors here so, as I climbed shirtless across the saloon to the heads the other morning, I was surprised to hear my fellow inmate, The Seagull, exclaim, “Julian, you are looking remarkably slim and trim, svelte even!”.
For those that don’t know, as part of the phycological breakdown and loss of identity required by The Program, we are allocated ‘call signs’ or nicknames. I am Julian the Lemur, named for my whiskers and white striped ‘zinc’ sunblock. A name bestowed by the ‘Seagull,’ an American from the Pacific NorthWest, known for swooping in making a lot of noise, mess and eating all the chips. He is also known as the ‘Wombat’ possibly due to the way he makes his ponderous progress under the traveller. However, a wombat is a marsupial that eats roots and leaves.
Program participants are sorted into two groups or watches. I am in ‘Port’ watch, also known as Westies Besties, Wesley’s Weasels among others.
Weasels include Wesley, the Seagull, the Mole or Stevie Wonder (who helms at night in sunglasses), Dr Kerfuffle, the Chihuahua, Mawgua and the Lemur. The other watch’s members include Timon and Pumbah, Bee and the giraffe.
While The Program is usually effective there is a significant flaw. While the diet is severe, snacks are allocated to each watch. Normally this would be a small treat with barely enough calories to make a dent in the calorie deficit. However, as has been noted previously, a mob of Trueffelschwein are loose in our gym! These nefarious types gorge on chocolate and chips, negating the impact of the diet. Further investigation reveals the size of the mob may be larger than previously anticipated and in a cunning plot indicating a truly Machiavellian mind the one who alerted us to the Trueffelschwein may indeed be a silverback leader of the mob himself!
But while the Truffleschwein are growing rather than shrinking, I am now a more streamlined, svelte version of my former self, and trousers not warm since the 1990’s can now be revived.
Thank you Clipper Race Weight Loss Program!
Slim Julian.