Anatomy of a Pee
Everything on a boat seems much more difficult than on shore including but not limited to cooking, cleaning, climbing in and out of bed, getting dressed and undressed, and using the heads. Over the last three legs, I have worked to optimize my process for using the heads through a series of trial and error. When I discussed this topic with my teammate Vicki, I jokingly asked if I could observe her process to see if I could learn anything. We laughed and she politely declined my request. So here is my current SOP for urinating when the boat is heeled over.
- Enter the heads and zip the curtain closed. This step was made slightly more difficult than it already was because our zipper broke on one side, so we went a day or two with even less privacy than we already had before we sewed one side shut.
- Retrieve a small bit of toilet paper and wipe the sitting surface of the bowl down. There is no toilet seat because from what I am told, boys can get trapped between the toilet bowl and lid when the boat is slamming. Deposit the used toilet paper into the paper rubbish bin.
- Next, prep the toilet paper for use. Our toilet paper is typically stored in a Tupperware that is screwed to the wall or in a net on the wall. Hold the ready-to-use toilet paper between your chin and your chest.
- While holding onto one handrail, scoot your pants aka trousers down with the other hand.
- Next is where it gets tricky. If you sit on the porcelain bowl when the boat is heeled over at a 45-degree angle and start peeing, gravity does not pull the urine away from your bum but along the low side butt cheek. So, what I found works best is to use your upper buttcheck as an anchor point and hover with the other and guess what level would look like so gravity works in your favour. Meanwhile, hold onto the handles on each side to keep you steady as the boat is bouncing around.
- Once in a half hover position, braced against the handrails, try to relax your muscles enough to actually pee.
- Beware that if you have a fairly large pee at this point, you may have to pump while peeing because the bowl might not be big enough when the boat is heeled over to contain all your donations without splashing you.
- Remember that toilet paper from Step 3 that you have kept pinched between your chin and chest, carefully use one hand to retrieve it while keeping the other on the handle to keep you steady. Then wipe and deposit used toilet paper in the paper rubbish bin.
- Stand up and with one hand still on the rail, use the free hand to shimmy your pants aka trousers back up.
- Turn towards the toilet and pump your donation out. Then switch the lever that brings sea water into the bowl and pump around 10 more times. Then switch the lever back over to empty the bowl and pump fiv3 more times, then 10 more pumps of seawater, then five more pumps of emptying the bowl.
- Then brace your hip against the wall nearest the sink. Put one pump of soap into your palm. Use the foot pump to wet your hands with some seawater.
- Rub your hands together for approximately 10 seconds.
- Use the foot pump again to rinse the soap from your hands with seawater. Everything seems to always be wet on the boat so don’t bother drying your hands.
- Open the curtain and roll it up (if it isn’t broken).
- Reach back into the head and get one pump of hand sanitizer and evenly distribute it over the hands.
So, there you have it, my 15-step process for peeing on a boat if you are a female when it is heeled over at 45 degrees. I know people have recommended as he wee but I can’t get over the sanitary aspect of carrying a funnel around that I pee in so this will have to do for now. Stay tuned for my SOP on how to go number 2! Just kidding :) Let me know if you have any suggestions on how to optimize this process.
Have a great day!
Jaci