Lessons from life on the boat so far. I used to journal daily. I continued that habit through Leg 1 Race 2 and then quit when my journal became unbearable to read because I was such a whiny miserable human. I hit some all-time lows during this race but have turned it around with a few paradigm shifts. Instead of writing about the day-to-day minutiae and struggles and maybe a few wins, I started writing more infrequently about what I was learning and how I was growing.
Race 1 (Portsmouth, UK to Cadiz, Spain): Overcoming seasickness
Race 2 (Cadiz, Spain to Punta del Este, Uruguay) Everyone should sail around the world because no matter how miserable you are, you will realize that you can always be more miserable
Race 3 (Punta del Este, Uruguay to Cape Town, South Africa) Development of a C Game
Race 4 (Cape Town, South Africa to Fremantle, Australia) Sometimes God calms the storm, sometimes He calms the sailor
Race 5 (Fremantle, Australia to New Castle, Australia) Forgotten Life Mantras
Race 1 (Portsmouth, UK to Cadiz, Spain) Overcoming Seasickness
I am endlessly amazed at what my body is capable of. I suffer from what I would consider crippling seasickness that lasts anywhere from 3-5 days. I vomit up everything I ingest including water, I am exhausted, dehydrated, and miserable. My body does overcome this, and I do become a 100% functioning human being again. I often take a step back after it subsides and tell my body, “Look at what you’ve overcome. I am amazed by and proud of you.” While historically I have seen my body through clouded culturally distorted lenses, I love being able to step back and see mine as a vessel that I have the privilege to live in and take care of and even learn to overcome some of what I see as its weaknesses. I have learned to just laugh after a large vomit session and say, “I love sailing so much,” and everyone looks at me like I am crazy and laughs. Sometimes as I am puking and holding my sick cup of the remnants of whatever last meal I attempted to absorb some nutrition from, I will laughingly say, “I don’t know why I don’t have a boyfriend,” as I look like a total mess. It is funny at the moment and lightens up the sorry feelings that hang in the air around my uncomfortable experience. What started as something that resulted in self-loathing and uncertainty is now just a necessary step to start each race after being on land for a few days, a buy-in for me to be at sea. A few things that I do to help with seasickness include starting meds a few days before we set out, eating good healthy meals leading up to leaving port, eat half portions on the boat for the first few days (I need something to throw up otherwise it is just stomach bile, so something bland and smooth is best), sleep as much as possible, be on deck as much as possible, don’t get too hot, and just be patient and ask my team for help when I need to (not always the easiest thing to do for a Miss Independent like myself).
Race 2 (Cadiz, Spain to Punta del Este, Uruguay)
Everyone should sail around the world because no matter how miserable you are, you will realize that you can always be more miserable.
I really gave in to my misery in Race 2. It is unexplainably hard living onboard and sailing. It is like being a hamster in one of those balls that you let it run around the house in but an unsupervised small toddler picks up the ball and is constantly shaking it. Simple things are made hard, like peeing, brushing my teeth, eating, sitting, getting into and out of bed… When the toddler does get distracted and puts the hamster ball down, we are left in a wind hole bobbing about boiling to death. I hit some all-time lows. I got cranky and short with people. I let people get under my skin in my weakened state. I struggled with so many aspects of life onboard. What I realise now, is this was a necessary trench that I needed to wallow in and dig myself out of. It helped me realize that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. There are so many aspects of my life that I still love. I recognize that even in the miserable state I was currently in, it could be worse yet. If you are in the trenches of despair, don’t worry, it can always be deeper, but it is up to you to dig yourself out. It is also worth noting that I did have a couple of great moments during this leg including giggle fits, equator crossing, and some great friendships forming, but these were not what I focused my energy on at the moment. What I realized in the rearview mirror is that there were probably just as many opportunities to laugh and be joyful as there were to wallow in my misery. I am grateful for the moments I did choose to laugh and be joyful and extend grace to myself for the moments I succumbed to my misery. I realize I have an incredible opportunity to grow and develop character during this life and this race and I plan to attempt to take full advantage of it.
Race 3 (Punta del Esta, Uruguay to Cape Town, South Africa) Development of a C Game
Race 3 came with plenty of challenges. If you haven’t been following our journey, I will give you some cliff notes before diving into my learning lesson. We were struck by lightning early on in the race and lost our wind instruments, AIS that informs us of other boats’ locations and visa versa to avoid collisions, and the ability to charge our batteries with our generator. The lightning strike pushed us to not be so dependent on our instruments and to pay more attention to how the boat was behaving. We had to keep a more vigilant eye out for other boats and use a hand-bearing compass to evaluate if there was collision potential. We turned the engine on (not in gear) to charge the batteries. We were stuck in some wind holes. We accidentally dropped our Code 2 in the water and had to turn around to retrieve it. We tested our retrieval skills that we had learned in training and worked together as a team. We damaged the sail while we were retrieving it. Our sail repair team stepped up and patched it back together. We had cold and challenging conditions. I was still struggling with my attitude.
With the standard demands of living on board and racing and sailing compounded with the extra stress of our many challenges, I was worn down. I have always been a 120% person. I literally give my all but I end up feeling depleted, burnt out, and resentful then I give 0%. I am an all-or-none, an A-game or F-game person. I have known that I needed to find more balance but this lesson was even more clear on the boat. If I give 120%, the boat takes about 150% so I hit rock bottom pretty fast so I really need to give 70% so I have reserves left for me. I started to do what I was capable of and gave myself grace for the areas that I didn’t put all my effort into. I started to learn to recognize what is essential, what is priority, what can wait, and what I really shouldn’t even worry about. I started to learn how to be at peace with not giving up to the point that I was broken. I started to have grace for others who didn’t give until they were broken also. I started to give grace to others that might have a different breaking point than mine as well.
Race 4 (Cape Town, South Africa to Fremantle, Australia)
Sometimes God calms the storm, sometimes he calms the sailor.
I can’t tell you when it happened. But sometime during this leg, it dawned on me that I was having fun. It started as more of a question… “Is this fun? Am I having fun? I think this might be fun?” I have never laughed more in a more uncomfortable situation. This leg was all about big water and big weather. It is considered to be one of the more challenging legs but it feels like the easiest I have encountered so far. It’s the small moments that stand out. My happy dance when my rolling hitches hold up under pressure, when we run a seamless evolution be it a reef or sail change, the giggle fest that happens when I wake up the next watch with various animal noises, the drawings I make with honey on the morning toast for my crew mates, the banter about my bad taste in music on the boat speaker, my American accent, my other made up accents, and my lack of worldly knowledge that comes with the privilege of being American. My realization that I could completely change an atmosphere with the tone in my voice, the frenzy that occurred when I shared where there was still one last stash of boat chocolate on day 16 of the race, making my team members' favourite tea or coffee to wake up to before they ask. Improving my tea score… My skipper threw out the first one that I made him because it “tasted like the inside of a cow’s udder” I put in too much milk. I upped my score to an 8/10 and finally a no complaint score dialling in my process to a 4min and 20sec steep time then adding 10mL of milk. Don’t get me started on the porridge scoring. Milk versus water and salt or no salt and consistency… Then there was the white hot chocolate mix-up. They call tea with milk, white tea, and coffee with milk, white coffee. I attempted to be cheeky and requested a white hot chocolate. One of my teammates missed my joke and popped his head up about 10 minutes later to apologize and inform me that he hadn’t been able to locate any white chocolate. He laughed once we cleared up the confusion. When another one of my teammates jokingly flipped me the bird when I asked him if he was up for testing his rolling hitches he had been practicing and when he thanked me afterward for the opportunity. The little moments where I act completely childish. I claimed I was pretending to be a new born elephant trying to stand for the first time when I lost my balance on deck with the boat pitching and rolling and made my wobbles to regain my balance more in line with my story flailing one arm claiming it was my trunk. The fit of laughter when I was given a large bowl of oranges that had gone bad and needed to be dumped overboard and I started throwing them to see if I could hit various things and randomly tossing them to unprepared teammates so they could join in… Then there was one that I may have gotten stuck in a certain location on the boat to be discovered later… Which I may be have been scolded for by my skipper… Honestly, the laughing that comes anytime anyone tries to throw anything on deck taking into account wind speed, wind angle, boat movement, exhaustion, and lack of hand-eye coordination. I refused to bring a mug on the first three races because I don’t drink tea or coffee but have developed quite the hot chocolate addiction to warm up when working on deck. I finally caved and bought a mug only to accidentally drop it overboard 4 days in. Another time I was in my bunk trying to fall asleep when my teammate was doing housekeeping and spraying the handrails with disinfectant. He sprayed me right in the face, stood silently then said “Oops” and we started to laugh.
This race was our first win. So far, we had placed last, last, and second to last… Then we won out of nowhere. I started having fun or at least admitting that I was having fun. I fell in love with downwind sailing. It is still really hard. I have noticed that God repeatedly calls His people into the wilderness. I think everyone's wilderness may be different, but this is my wilderness to learn and grow from right now. No one said I couldn’t have fun while I was learning and growing.
Race 5 (Fremantle, Australia to New Castle, Australia) Forgotten Life Mantras
I remember hearing this concept from a friend years ago. And it has been expressed to me in a few different ways. I had one friend who would ask himself three questions to make a decision, Do I honestly love this? Does this make me money? Am I serving someone else? If the answer wasn’t yes to one of these, he wouldn’t do it. I have heard families make a mission statement about what is important to them for them to focus on. I made an attempt to write one when I started shaking up my life a while back. I jotted down what success would look like for me and broke it down by areas in life: money, travel, time, and friendships. After some contemplation here is what I came up with, “I am on a mission to experience all that this beautiful world has to offer. I love to be inspired and hope to inspire others. I believe in taking risks, chasing dreams, loving people, exploring, learning as much as possible, and constantly reminding myself that life is meant to be an adventure in itself.” I can admittedly say it is a bit long-winded and still needs work. What I realized though, is that when I have been in survival mode, this hasn’t even crossed my mind. I didn’t have room in my head to focus on inspiring others or loving others because I was consumed with myself. It is in this race, that I realize I forgot the perspective that I wanted to live my life from and maybe can start taking some baby steps to being patient and loving and working to grow and help others grow.